You've ever felt like you've been purposely avoiding thinking about something but in the end, it always comes back to you? You focus on every other aspect of your life and try to distract yourself as much as possible but all that work and effort just for that one thing, even if to avoid it. And then, you let out a sigh. You surrender to your feelings and you let go of efforts to deny it to yourself. You sit and let it take over you.

For me, it's not so much of the thing itself. It's the fact that it was never resolved and never will be. No possible way. That's the hardest thing to let go of. Not failures, not pain. But the fact that the goal was never attempted and it leaves you lying there sitting in wonderment of what would have happened and what would be different. You pick out all the little events and details revolving around that thing and twist reality into a dream or possibility so it molds around the changed thought of you having done something about the damn situation rather than nothing at all so you wouldn't be sitting on your ass here still dwelling like an idiot over something that's long gone.

In other words, we all at some point find ourselves needing to let go of something or anything. But through my experiences, the hardest I've ever had to let go of (or am still learning to let go of) is a dream.

As a child, freedom was not something that had to be fought for. Freedom was never wearing shoes outside and running through the jungles of the playgrounds. It was my imagination. It was in me. Freedom was knowing no limits and running as fast as I could and using all energy I could...not saving any for later. It was eating anything I pleased and watching Pocahontas as many times as wanted. Freedom, was in itself. What if we could live like that for the rest of our lives? Wow, what a world.

As a child the next year. It was no longer watching Pocahontas as much as I wanted. But rather Mulan. It was, for the first time being rewarded with a Mulan lunch pail and matching thermal with fruit punch inside. My parents had bought me this whole Mulan set all at once and I was never spoiled like this as a kid! They were so happy to see me happy. And I remember it all. I was so happy. I was a very grateful kid, and you don't see many kids like that anymore. Little did I know we were moving. But I didn't understand. I still thought I could still show off my new stuff to my friends and share it with them. But I think it hit me that morning when I was getting dressed for my first day of second grade. Where am I going? Wait, who am I going to play with? It was to my dismay that everything was so unfamiliar. The playgrounds? Where is this? Who is this woman ...my teacher? The kids, I've never seen before. I do stil remember the first day I had no friends. It was lunch time and people had places to go, I didn't. I didn't eat my lunch. I took a sip of my punch, it didn't taste good. I was wandering around the playgrounds, scared and sad...I wanted to cry. I as a kid, I didn't know exactly what I was feeling. I was only 7. The only thing that was familiar to me was my Mulan lunch pail. The only comfort. The only thing that felt like home...I wanted to cry again. I got teary eyed. I missed my friends. I struggled those years at that school with friendships. I was only 7, 8 and 9. But I struggled with friendships. Keeping friends. Friends came, and they went. I was determined by then on the fact that I was cursed with bad friendships. It was in fourth grade that I had many friends and I was happy finally. There were certain mean people but I knew that wasn't a fault on my part, I was still happy. But it was time to move again.

It's hard moving. This time it's fifth grade. I made a friend on the first day of school. She was very nice and so was I. But we were not alike. I had a new friend that year and things were going great. But once again, I must have been cursed I thought to myself. I had lost a friend. Tough things happened to me when I was a kid. I'll admit. I feel like so many of my struggles happened as a child and I've built this wall up to protect myself from breaking.

In middle school I was made fun of for anything I could think of. Typical. I'd rather be the one being teased than to be that mean girl who did it because she was insecure and trying to build her way up to popularity.

High school came and I was lost. But a part of me was found. I was more myself. But during high school I did lose a friend too. High school showed signs of bad luck with boys as well.

Now I'm where I am. Still looking to find myself, and I always will be. But I love myself and I know that things happen, but I'll get over it. I just need to look back and laugh about things that are done and over with. Things that I cannot change. All I can do is be a better person. I hope that in the future, I'll find a companion that will love me for who I am and has a family that will treat me like family as well. Up till this age, I haven't had anyone. And I hope that my husband in the future will make up for all these lost years. I am strong. I don't give up easily. I still need to make a good person out of myself if I want to do good to others.

Every season, I reflect back on as many years as possible at that same time to what I did then. I don't know why I do it, but I just do. Do you do it too? It's my way of keeping track of my growth subconsciously. Back to everything. I'm really insightful when it comes to those things. And I wonder, if other people have as many memories as I do and get as nostalgic as I do. And miss people as much as I do. Whether they be random strangers that cross paths or a grandmother that was close to their hearts. It's a strange yet simple concept that seems so unspoken and personal which makes it different than the rest.